July 30, 2020 – Homewood, AL (satire)
Today, in a last-ditch effort to save the 2020-2021 wheelchair rugby season the United States Quad Rugby Association issued a new M40 mask mandate. This requires all staff, volunteers, and athletes to wear these gas masks any time within a facility where a wheelchair rugby tournament is happening.
In a statement, USQRA President Noah Currier States “…my military background prepared me for this moment, we are all one team and need to beat back the threat at our door” going on to describe that “the M40 is designed to be effective against all airborne enemies, and Covid is just another one of our foes.”
Currier further added “the ruggedized design of the M40 is perfect for what we’re doing, if it can work in Afghanistan, it will work in Akron.”
When questioned about how this will affect the athletes, Currier stated “it will definitely add some breathing difficulties, but this will benefit us in two ways: it will weed the strong from the weak, and it will encourage teams to use their bench more effectively.”
Currier then, under his breath whispered “this is the way.” When asked about this, he strongly retorted “if the Mandalorian can do it, so can we!”
When reached for comment, USQRA Commissioner Dave Mengyan stated “if it doesn’t go against a precedent, and allows me to set one, then I’m fine with it.”
USQRA Secretary Mike Klonowski couldn’t be immediately reached for comment due to being overwhelmingly concerned about something.
One thing we do know for certain is that wheelchair rugby will have a new face this season, better start your cardio now.
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